Nothing Gold Can Stay
by ThatClutzsarahh
Summary: "After all this time?" "Always." Always.


**This is a wonderful Snape/Lily story set in Hogwarts time. It's basically Harry Potter books 1-7 from Snape's POV. It's going to be sad in some places, but enjoy.**

**I own nothing but the typos :)**

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><p>The morning is cold and bitter. The air is like ice, sharp and cutting, needles of steel pricking skin at every angle, reaching for the innermost part of your soul. It's still dark out, but it is somewhere in the morning because the sun is threatening with deadly rays of warmth to glow and banish away the chill and frost. Even though it was just the start of September, the temperature in the morning was chilly in this magic land and frost covered the stone walkways and arches and gothic build that was Hogwarts. And here I sat, out behind everything, out beneath a tree by the lake, the cold stone warm underneath me. I had been there for a long while, as still as the morning.<p>

It's the first of September and it doesn't take a genius to figure out exactly what that means to me. But this September is different. It is more special than the rest. It's a dark reminder of the choices I've made, a bundle of black hair and beautiful green eyes at the young age of 11 to remind me of the mistakes I've made. As if I ever needed the reminder. I stared at my interlaced fingers, the calloused hands and watched the muscles flex and bend beneath the flesh. I found the skin to b paler than usual against my long black sleeves. It could be attributed to the cold outside, inside, or something else entirely. I would idly what he'd be like, this boy who lived.

Who he be so much like his father that she is erased entirely? Or would I have to suffer through the horrible gut wrenching days of her small features in his face? Him, sitting in class with her eyes trained on me. What if he's in my house? Hardly likely, seeing as she was not a Slytherin, and _he_ was not a Slytherin either. But if he were, how could I stand seeing him so long? The thought made my stomach churn and heart ache. I looked down and watched the long shadows begin to form as the sun's long fingers touched the ground. They reached the tips of my black shoes before I moved to stand, the black robes bustling and billowing out behind me as I turned to leave the glistening pool of dark water behind me as I climbed the hill to the castle.

The castle was eerily still, but alive with excitement at the same time. I could feel it vibrating within the walls as I climbed the shifting staircase and passed the portraits, heading up to the very top of the castle. It was quiet, so quiet-even the portraits kept it down to a murmur. They knew what day it was as well, their excitement filling the air as well. I climbed and climbed until I reached the top and then headed out to the ledge, balancing inside the open window frame. I leaned against the stone, staring out over the main entrance of the school, my mind turning as fast as it can.

"What is on your mind, Severus?" Came the sound of Dumbledore's voice from behind me.

I wanted to answer him nothing, but my mouth spoke something else.

"What if he looks like her?" I asked him, unable to stop myself. After a few moments of silence I turned and looked at him, watching all the pain of every memory move across his aging face. My throat closed up just a little more, the tightening feeling restricting my breath and constricting my features.

"We have to keep him safe."

"Why?" I asked, unable to stop, "What if you can't? What if you promise to keep him safe like them and fail, _again_."

"You cannot put all your faith in me, Severus, I am only a man."

"Then who?" I demanded, "Where does my faith lie now?"

Dumbledore fell silent and watched me. He tried, hard, to read my mind through my eyes, and I felt him trying to prod through my mind. But I was in no mood for his silly mind games. I would not allow him to poke into private sections of my head. His eyes hardened in frustration.

"Why do you do this, Severus?" he asked me, "You keep yourself in pain."

I turned away from him and noticed the steam coming over the hills in the distance. I didn't say anything at first, although the answer was right on my tongue.

"It's a reminder," I started, watching my fingers touch the stone pillars of the window, "Of the mistakes," I continued, turning back to him, "I've made."

_It's a reminder of the places I've been_, I wanted to add, _of the things I've said, done and moments I've missed._ But to add these things would reveal too much of myself. Of how much I actually cared. And no one could ever know. No one but Dumbledore, the old bat who was too smart for his own good.

"They should be here soon," Dumbledore said, "Perhaps you'd like to change into something more crisp. It looks likes you've been up all night."

His eyes twinkled before he left and I returned to look out the window. I have been up all night. But it's better to be up all night than to be plagued with the moments you can never forget, and mistakes you'll always remember. I have been dreading this year for all eleven years. And the day is finally here.

"_Severus," she said, catching my attention, "Severus I have something to tell you. It's important."_

_I didn't want to look at her. I knew what she was going to say. She didn't have to speak. Her belly was so large, her face was glowing. How could I stare into her eyes and watch her tell me how happy she was that she was going to be a mother? _

_But I looked anyway._

_She smiled at me, her green eyes sparkling so very wide and awake. Her fingers brushed mine, and, for a moment, the cold encasing my body was warm and all I could see was the golden halo with a strawberry tinge that was her hair and the sun warming me._

"_James and I are having a baby." _

_I wanted to ask why, to ask what she was thinking marrying him when he teased her mercilessly, but I had no right to ask. I'd hurt her more than that. I pushed her away when all I wanted was her to be safe._

"_Aren't you going to say anything?" she asked, her eyes fading. _

_I mustered up the best smile I could._

"_Congratulations," I remarked and then dropped my eyes to the cup of tea in front of me. I felt so much pain in my chest that it was hard to keep my breathing still. When I looked up again Lily was staring at me, her eyes lost in confusion._

"_That's it?" she asked, clearly hurt. I felt my heart break a little more._

"_Yes," I answered. I couldn't tell her what I felt. She'd never understand it. Not anymore anyway. _

_Suddenly her eyes grew cold, and things felt a little darker._

"_I should have expected you'd be like this Severus," she said venomously, "You are never happy for me, are you?"_

"_Lily," I pleaded, but she had already stood up. I stood too, watching her angry figure turning to pick up her thing._

"_Severus," she said, "What are we doing? We're just skirting around the obvious."_

"_I'm happy for you, really Lily," I answered, "Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy."_

_She turned her face to me, head cocked and gave me a slight half smile that just barely reached her eyes._

"_I'm serious Lily," I said, "If this is what you want, I'll be with you."_

The sound of the clock chiming brought me into my rightful body again, and as I looked down into the courtyard, I saw approaching boats, signaling the incoming new students. The moment was here. I turned away from the window and headed down the stairs toward my room with silent steps, my face completely stone, gliding down the stairs a stride at a time in silence.

Upon entering my room, I opened my trunk with a flick of the wand and pulled out the clean, neat and folded black dress robes that lay on top. Stripping down and changing, I buttoned up the last button on my jacket, tugging down the sleeves of my outer robe over my wrists. The skin on my forearm burned from the fabric scraping it, but I ignored the pain, grabbing my wand again and heading up to the Great Hall to take my seat at the table.

It was bustling with life, the great hall. The candles floated high up in the ceiling as stars twinkled over head. Students were alive with happiness and laughter, echos of joy bouncing of the walls as I snuck in and sat at my place. Quarrel gave me I pointed look that I ignored, putting on a stoic face as I waited for the incoming first years to shuffle down the aisle, heads tucked, nervous. I felt Hagrid slide into the seat next to me, bumping the table up with his large belly.

"He's here," Hagrid mumbled under his breath, causing me to only take a sip of my drink to not snap back at the large oaf. The hat was already set out on it's rickety perch awaiting the new students. Folding my hands I watched the door creak open and the pounding of little feet hitting the floor echoed my heart beat in my ears, thrumming loudly as they approached. I did not see him at first, the blob of black midgets of first years where clumped together and stayed that way as they stopped in the front of the school. Perhaps he wasn't here. Perhaps he went to another school. It was highly unlikely, but I could wish for it anyway.

"Hermione Granger!" Minevra's voice rang out, her fingers wrapped around the curled parchment. A bushy haired nervous girl stepped forward timidly, but proudly and shoved herself up on the stool, knees knocked together and hands folded in her lap. The hat mulled over for a moment before announcing "Gyffindor!" loudly. She jumped off and ran to the table.

"Draco Malfoy!"

I should have known that Lucius' son would be coming in. His blond hair gave him away to me as he stepped forward, an arrogant smirk on his lips. Even at 11 he was just like his father, arrogant and thinking he is all-important. I already knew he'd be in my house, there would be no surprise. I almost mimicked the hat when it shouted "Slytherin!" and he hopped off the stool and swaggered away. Minerva called out the next name "Susan Bones!" and a read haired girl stepped forward.

And that's when I saw him.

There was no mistaking his eyes. His face looked just like that of his father, the arrogant man, but his eyes were delicate and beautiful. They were Lily's. I couldn't help but stare at him, standing there, small and childlike. He looked exactly like his father, so very much so, but his eyes were Lily's. It wasn't until he looked away, wincing, that I realized I had been staring for so long. Even though Minevra hadn't called him just yet, I knew. That was Lily's son.

"Ron Weasley!"

Great, another mischievous Weasley. The hat called out "Gryffindor!" again and the red haired boy bounded off and away towards his table. I looked back at the boy with Lily's eyes, watching the Weasley walk away. His eyes turned back up to the front and I knew, just then, it was him. Minevra lifted the list up and took a breath, breathing out the name I had been dreading

"Harry Potter!"

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><p>soooo, what do you think? Do you like it all? Is it IC and not OOC? i'd like to hear feedback please :)<p> 


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